Let me start out by saying that I have everything in my life that I need right now. Heck, I have everything that I want! I have 3 beautiful and healthy kids that I get to stay home with, a husband who loves me who has a fantastic job, a gorgeous house in a safe and wonderful city and I’m young and healthy enough to enjoy it. We struggled for years to get this life, and this is the exact “after” picture that we wanted.
Despite this picture perfect existence….I’m not happy.
I realized this a couple days ago, as I was mentally making a list of things we needed to pack for our upcoming vacation. I realized that I was not looking forward to our trip – all I could think about is how the sleeping arrangements would suck for me. Then I realized that I’m not really happy about anything these days. I’m essentially going through the movements of what needs to get done and trying to get enough sleep to get through the next day. I am not enjoying my life.
I freaked out because how could this picture perfect life feel so wrong? How could I fix this? Did I need to go back to work? Have another kid?
Then, the name of the joy-stealer came upon me: Sleep Deprivation.
Nothing is really wrong. Nothing is really bad. Nothing is really good. Everything is TIRED.
Up until this week I was getting up twice with Little A. I usually slept from 10-1 and then from 1:30-3:00 and then from 4-6. In any given night, one of those stretches would fail though – I wouldn’t fall asleep right away or D&A would wake up. I have had mad insomnia all of my life but getting pregnant with Little A took it to a whole new level. I spend SO many hours in the middle of the night HATING myself because I can’t sleep when I know that I should. Every nap time I try to lay down during the 45 minutes when all three are asleep and I just can’t shut my mind off. This is unsustainable.
Everything exists in a mayonnaise colored blah-ness. I have no short term memory. I have no radiating joy. I am just too tired to enjoy my life right now.
But as with everything in mommy hood, this is TEMPORARY.
I decided to be honest, recognize the issue and Ask For Help. Dr. H has agreed to take on nights for awhile. Lucky for him, Little A has only woken up ONCE during the past three nights. Talking to your partner is essential.
I’ve also realized that just like my grief during my years in infertility jail, this time of sleep deprivation will pass. I am also going to rededicate myself to good diet and exercise, which means that when we get back from vacation I’m going back to CrossFit and doing another Whole 30.
I have a good life. I can’t wait to enjoy it.