Ever since I threw my last pack of Camel Lights in the trash (ok….maybe it wasn’t LAST pack) in 2005, I’ve been trying to get into shape.  I ran a marathon in 2006 and trained for another in 2009 (I dropped out at mile 5 with a stress fracture).  I did triathlons during and right after law school.  I love being active and find that I go crazy if I don’t do SOMETHING on any given day.

Fertility treatments put a big huge damper on my fitness goals.  Clomid, Follistim, Menopur and all that other crap made me fat and sad – and fat and sad people just don’t work out.  I didn’t even think about working out during my twin pregnancy.  Six months after the twins were born I looked at myself and did not like what I saw.

I spent the next year working out, going from yoga every day, to Jillian Michaels, to Insanity and then finally CrossFit. My diet changed from twin leftovers and Chinese food to strict Paleo.  I actually posted a picture of myself in a sports bra.

And then I got pregnant.

Some people lose weight during pregnancy.  Some people can keep the gaining under the recommended 25-35 lbs.  I am not one of them.  Despite a decently aggressive exercise regime during the majority of my pregnancy, I gained 45 lbs. Unfortunately I did not have a 45 lb baby.

MY BODY HAS NOT YET BOUNCED BACK.

My daily exercise, breast feeding and healthy food choices are allowing me to lose about a pound a week, but none of my clothes fit me yet.  In fact, I had to go to the store to buy larger pants.  I really, really hate this part of pregnancy and feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I have filled my Instagram feed with motivational images of what women in the “fourth trimester” are supposed to look like, because I feel like nobody really prepared me for this.  In my mind, I should be zipping up my size 4s by 11 weeks postpartum.

So here I am, living proof that you can be a previously fit and healthy postpartum woman and still have a belly that you don’t like.  I wish I were brave enough to take a selfie and put it here, but I am not that strong.  I am striving to be gentle with myself and constantly remind myself that I just had a baby but it is so so hard.  I want to wear my cute clothes. I want to be desirable to my husband.   I want to be myself again.